51. Jack Bauer named his dog David Hasselhoff. Why?? Because he’s a bitch.
52. There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
53. Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
54. When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
55. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
56. Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a “knock knock” joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
57. When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
58. Jack Bauer’s calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
59. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
60. If Jack Bauer’s gun jams, it’s because he wanted to beat you with it.
61. When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack’s. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
62. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
63. The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
64. A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
65. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
66. Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
67. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
68. Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re fucking dead.”
69. When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
70. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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