So, I had an operation two weeks ago yesterday on my, uh, boy bits and things are feeling better. Mostly.
I won’t go into much detail as, well, I don’t want to, but things are working out OK for the most part.
When I went in for the surgery, the first thing I noticed was that the radio (not a CD player or anything) was playing Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” which was, honestly, a bit on the nose if you ask me. When I mentioned that to the doctor he said that the song plays around the same time every day and that the irony wasn’t lost on him either.
The surgery only took about 20 minutes and the worst part was when he injected the vas deferentia with the lidocaine. There was definitely, as the doc stated, a “pinch and a burn” when he gave me the shots on each side of the “area.” Once the stuff set in though, there wasn’t really any pain but I could definitely feel what he was doing. The burning flesh smell was a bit distracting though.
I was taken home by my buddy Caley and spent the next five and a half days recuperating in our bedroom with the TV, my XBox 360 and a bunch of books and DVDs. The swelling was pretty severe and a sock filled with a zip-top bag with frozen peas in it was a very close friend to me for that time.
Forward to two-weeks-and-a-day after the event and I’m still pretty sore but feeling better. The stitches have dissolved and/or fallen out but I still feel like I got kicked in the junk.
…from my beautiful niece Maddie.
(5:17:49 PM) Joel: geez, ted, you slacker. it’s only 97 in more liver. it’s 99 here
(5:17:56 PM) Ted: my bad
(5:18:05 PM) Ted: i’ll pump the AC up to high on the car
(5:18:15 PM) Ted: while i leave it running in the lot all day
(5:18:28 PM) Ted: win/win for the environment AND the oil industry
(5:18:58 PM) Joel: that’s because you’re a team player
(5:19:06 PM) Ted: i try
(5:19:19 PM) Ted: brb, gonna start a tire fire
(5:20:35 PM) Joel: 🙂
(5:22:32 PM) Ted: back, sorry. took longer than i thought to fly my private jet to ANWAR
(5:22:50 PM) Joel: exactly
Click here and be amazed.
If I had my dad’s credit card and was 13, I might do the same. Then book a flight for a non-extradition country…
Just got off the phone with my mom in her hospital room. She’s in good spirits and is hoping to be released today.
Here’s some things she’s told me:
* They’ve got her off of the IV antibiotics and she’s now taking antibiotics orally.
* She had a chest x-ray this morning and is waiting for the results.
* Still hasn’t been told what she’s got but she says she saw her doctor and the lung specialist talking in the hall a while ago.
* Hoping for news within the next hour or so.
* She says the hospital’s been treating her very well and has been very attentive and thorough.
* They gave her Ambien the last two night to help her sleep.
That’s all I’ve got for now, more information as I get it.
Thanks everyone for your well wishes by the way, I’m grateful (more than you know) for your thoughts.
I spoke to my mom this morning and they’d taken her off the IV drip but she’s still on O2 to help her get more blood oxygen. She was in good spirits and when my brother called me an hour or so later after visiting her I got another thumbs-up as well.
Just got a call from my dad 20 minutes ago letting me know that the docs were concerned about a blood test result and think she might have some fluid in her lungs so they’re, right now as I type this, scoping her lungs through her nose to take a better look. Dad and Erik are going to be swinging by the hospital this evening to check in with her.
My mom calls me yesterday from the hospital telling me that they think she has Legionnaires’ disease. Personally, I knew very little about the disease but did some research and now feel like I know more about the issue.
She’s in pretty good spirits and they’ve got her on IV antibiotics, but they’re still not 100% sure what she has, so they’re calling it “atypical pneumonia.” They running a culture on her sputum and will know for sure when those results come in, hopefully today.
I’m flying up to Seattle to drive up to their place on Friday, she says she should be home by then, to spend the weekend with her and my dad.
Keep her in your thoughts for me, but when caught early, it’s really not terrible dangerous.
Still, it’s (allegedly) Legionnaires’ Fucking Disease! when my mom gets sick, she doesn’t mess around, she goes balls out!
This makes me sad…
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Via The Onion.
Sometimes I’m a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I’m wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. ‘Cause, unless I’m missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you’re gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in ’08? Fat fucking chance.
Way I see it, America needs a president who’s gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.
See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got ’em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.
You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter’s rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fucking country again, because there’s no way I’m ever gonna come to you fuck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fuckin’ election. So you can just bite my cock. I’ve had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.
You actually seem to think one a’ these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas’ titties.
But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It’s not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in ’79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.
Oh, what’s that I hear? The weather’s all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin’-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we’d all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we’d still be sucking Saudi Arabia’s dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn’t get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he’s the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.
Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck.
You want compassion? Somebody who’s looking out for the little guy? Why don’t you take a look at Jimmy Carter, ’cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I’ll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats’ asses they’ll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.
Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.
So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I’ll do it. I’d be honored to do it—with my fucking dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.
You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get fucked. Fucking country.