I love how he calls the president NerdCore. Again, he may well be the funniest man in television today.
Sunday marks the start of the 40th season of 60 Minutes.
Chew on that for a minute…
Damn you TV gods! Why would you do this to me? I’m a good little viewer, I suckle at the cathode ray nipple nightly, I’m a good little consumer too!
Why would you put HEROES and 24 up against each other? Why must I decide which to watch while the other is recording?
51. Jack Bauer named his dog David Hasselhoff. Why?? Because he’s a bitch.
52. There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
53. Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
54. When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
55. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
56. Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a “knock knock” joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
57. When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
58. Jack Bauer’s calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
59. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
60. If Jack Bauer’s gun jams, it’s because he wanted to beat you with it.
61. When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack’s. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
62. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
63. The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
64. A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
65. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
66. Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
67. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
68. Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re fucking dead.”
69. When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
70. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Thank God 24 is back, now I have something to do Monday nights!
1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
2. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
3. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
4. Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
5. Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
8. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
9. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often Jack Bauer kills terrorists.
10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
11. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
12. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
13. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
14. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
15. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
16. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alerted.
17. When life gives Jack Bauer lemons he uses them to kill terrorists.
18. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
19. Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.
20. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
21. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
22. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
23. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through Jack Bauer’s gun.
24. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
25. No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy” in a sentence and lived to tell…
26. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
27. Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.
28. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
29. The real reason the Army ditched the “Army of One” campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copyright infringement.
30. Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a pussy.
31. Jack Bauer doesn’t urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.
32. That cougar that stalked his daughter Kim was actually Jack Bauer’s pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through fear.
33. The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.
34. The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
35. His partner Chase wasn’t actually in any danger from that terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand because that’s how he warns all of Kim’s boyfriends.
36. Jack Bauer creates an “airtight perimeter” by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line.
37. Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous member. That’s why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.
38. The reason CTU’s superiors are called “Division” is because Jack Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage because they couldn’t at least bring him a goddamn sandwich in 24 hours.
39. Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.
40. CTU stands for Jack Fucking Bauer.
41. God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.
42. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.
43. GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.
44. Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.
45. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
46. If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting shit-hammered.
47. Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.
48. On Jack Bauer’s say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.
49. If you know something Jack Bauer doesn’t, chances are you don’t have any fingers left.
50. Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
In what would normally be a season, if not series, finale, tonight’s Battlestar Galactica was one of the finest hours of TV I’ve seen in a very long time. Was this a season or series finale? Nope, episode four of a (I think) 20-part season.
If you’re not a fan of the show, shame on you. It’s sooooo beyond just Sci-Fi. Just like Tom’s post about HEROES from yesterday, this is a show that doesn’t care if you’re a techie, geek or sci-fi nerd (for the record, I fall under all three). If you’re a fan of well-produced well-acted drama, you’re going to get a lot from this show. Do yourself a favor and start watching. Next week would be an excellent starting-off point for the “newbies.” I’ll fill you in on the backstory…
Stephen take a licking, but keeps on ticking! Click here to view the glory!
Holy crap! This man has been on 60 Minutes longer than I’ve been alive and is now retiring. Here’s more information. I’ve got two copies of his last book Between You and Me and am chomping at the bit to find some time to read it and watch the enclosed DVD, but haven’t had the opportunity to do so.
Why do I have two copies? ‘Cause Gene got me one for Christmas a month after I bought a copy, that’s why…