Via The Onion.
Sometimes I’m a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I’m wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. ‘Cause, unless I’m missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you’re gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in ’08? Fat fucking chance.
Way I see it, America needs a president who’s gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.
See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got ’em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.
You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter’s rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fucking country again, because there’s no way I’m ever gonna come to you fuck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fuckin’ election. So you can just bite my cock. I’ve had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.
You actually seem to think one a’ these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas’ titties.
But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It’s not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in ’79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.
Oh, what’s that I hear? The weather’s all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin’-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we’d all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we’d still be sucking Saudi Arabia’s dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn’t get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he’s the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.
Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck.
You want compassion? Somebody who’s looking out for the little guy? Why don’t you take a look at Jimmy Carter, ’cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I’ll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats’ asses they’ll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.
Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.
So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I’ll do it. I’d be honored to do it—with my fucking dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.
You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get fucked. Fucking country.
Who’s with me?
Every two years, on the first Tuesday after the first Monday of November I make this same entry. Please go out and vote.
Again, I don’t care who you vote for (I have a preference, but I’m not gonna preach), just vote today. Make your voice heard and make a difference. Please.
Caley and I were parking my car to go to the Metreon for a bit yesterday when we came across this wonderful license plate. As we were taking a picture of the plate, the owner (a very nice early-60’s womain) walked up to us and told us we can only take a picture of the plate if we supported it. I believe my response was “100% ma’am!”
She said she was worried about getting in trouble, even in San Francisco as her neighborhood is rather conservative. She went on to say that she has placards and a car-topper for the car as well, but wouldn’t put them up in a parking lot for obvious reasons.
There’s a bumper sitcker on the car (lower right-hand corner of the picture) that says “BUSHWA, look it up” as well.
This is why. God bless you Adam Carolla!
I don’t care how you vote, please just vote. It’s almost literally the least you can do to make your voice heard.
Plus, you get a sticker!
So, we’ve got elections coming up here in a week-and-a-half and there’s one Proposition that I’m really interested in seeing pass. It’s Prop 82, which basically says that preschool will be paid for for all children in California. How’s it paid for? Taxes. Not taxes for me and you though, unless you make more than $400,000/year. So, what they’re saying is that I don’t have to pay for my daughter to go to preschool, which has been proven to make kids more prepared for higher education and go on to a college degree?
Vote yes on 82.
Dear President Bush,
As I write this, thousands upon thousands of your fellow Americans are suffering through one of the worst natural disasters to ever hit these United States of America.
I would like to paraphrase my friend Gene and say that I wish I could be proud of your actions. I really really do. But I can’t.
Where were you when you first heard that Katrina was going to hit our shores in the Gulf of Mexico? Were you at your ranch fishing napping and ignoring a bereaved mother of a dead soldier?
Where were you when you heard of the devastation that Katrina had wrought? Were you in San Diego shmoozing with your millionaire/billionaire buddies asking for more money?
Where were you when the mayor of New Orleans was begging for help for his city? Were you flying over the city in Air Force One looking out the window?
I’m not that old, Mr. President, but I remember when the United States of America would have been the first country in the world to assist another country if/when a natural disaster struck. Where were you when the tsunami struck last year? Where were the billions of dollars that we could have easily given to those disaster-stricken people when they needed the assistance? Why did you wait so long to offer monetary aid, only to offer so little you (and the rest of America by proxy) were ridiculed into upping the aid to save what little face you (and we, your fellow Americans) have in the international community?
Where are the National Guard soldiers that could have been sent to New Orleans and other hurricane destroyed areas? Were they perhaps in Iraq? Maybe I’m wrong, but I thought the whole idea of the NAtional Guard was for them to be, oh I don’t know, guarding the nation.
Why are you staging press junkets standing in front of Coast Guard helicoptors and crew when those very same people and choppers could have been assisting Katrina’s victims?
Mr President, I’m not mad at you, I’m disappointed with you. I want so hard to be proud of you and this country. While I’m more left-leaning than right, I want to have pride in my country and the people who were elected to represent us in our government.
I want to be a proud American, Mr President, please do what you can to restore my ever waning faith in my country.
God bless you, Mr President, and God bless America.
The bombings in London this morning are a tragic reminder that the world is still not a safe place. Even with Dubya and Blair chasing down the al Queda network wherever they pop up their ugly little heads. Whether that be in Afghanistan or Iraq. Wait a minute, Iraq?
Anyway, my thought and well wishes go out to anyone and everyone affected by the bombings and I pray that a swift justice comes to the people responsible for this tragedy.
This picture is actually from the BBC and posted up on Flickr by Nicholas Shanks.